Start Again
by Shinsun
Summary: Vegeta does something unforgivable that tears him and his lover Goku apart. But is Goku's anger real? Or is it just a way to hide his fear of being alone? Can Goku forgive such a terrible act? Can Vegeta forgive himself? inspired by Gutterball's GXV fanfic "All Good Things" . A songfic for Start Again by Red.


**Start Again**

DBZ Fan Fiction (songfic one-shot) by Shinsun

Vegeta snapped back to reality. Realization crashed over him like a sledgehammer and he stared, speechless, into hard, black eyes. Eyes that belonged to Kakarot. Kakarot stared back, dark eyebrows shadowing those flat, cold pupils that held more anger, more hate than Vegeta thought Kakarot was capable of feeling.

_What have I done?_

Vegeta gulped, backing away from his rival-turned-lover in shock, scrambling on all fours like a wounded animal to escape the younger Saiyan's inevitable retaliation. He knew what he'd done. He had r- he couldn't say it, even in his mind. Why couldn't he say it?

It was selfish; this cowardice, like everything else he'd done in his life, it was selfish.

_**~And I remember everything  
Everything I loved  
I gave it away  
Like it wasn't enough~**_

Kakarot got shakily to his feet, as if his weight wouldn't support him. He was bleeding; from his mouth where Vegeta had torn his lips with his teeth –and where blood had risen from his throat when he strained it screaming, from his shoulders and neck where Vegeta had bitten him; and then there were the rivulets of red that poured down the insides of his thighs as well. Evidence of Vegeta's unforgivable act. Kakarot forgave so much, gave everyone a second chance. But even he couldn't forgive Vegeta after he'd r- dammit! He still couldn't say it.

_**~All the words I said  
And all you forgive  
How could I  
Hurt you again?~**_

How could he have done this? How could he have betrayed his last subject this way? How could he have r- _raped_, there, he said it, such an innocent, gentle creature that deserved none such punishment? How _could_ he?

Vegeta couldn't answer any of the insistent questions banging around in his head. He could only stare, backed against a cliff wall with no escape, as Kakarot advanced, still shaking, before collapsing to his knees a few feet from the prince.

"V-_Vegeta_," there was so much pain, so much betrayal, in that dry, broken voice. It ripped Vegeta's heart out and fed it to him. He tasted blood in his mouth. Kakarot's blood.

Then Kakarot fell, his tortured body giving out and hitting the rocky ground with a boneless _thud_.

Vegeta forced himself to approach his… rival? lover? _victim? …_and place a hand hesitantly on the younger man's neck, feeling for a pulse. The heartbeat was there, but slow, skipping a few beats here and there as if his heart were breaking. It probably was.

Vegeta felt tears well up in the corners of his eyes. Tears of loss, of pain, of regret. When he and Kakarot had started out, began a relationship together, it had held such promise. It looked like they would have had a long, happy life together. And then Vegeta threw all that promise away with one, atrocious act. He hadn't even known _why_ he'd done it. Instinct had just taken over for some reason and he's taken his lover without the younger man's consent. He'd betrayed him in the worst possible way. He'd _raped_ Kakarot.

Kakarot lay, broken and pale; unconscious, in a sterile white hospital bed. He looked so fragile. Vegeta hung his head and at last allowed the dam of his sorrow to burst and tears streamed down his face silently. He'd been hard put to grab the younger Saiyan's arm and hoist him over his shoulder and fly him to a medical facility. But he'd managed to do it in the end. He glanced at his own gloved hand. He knew there was a senzu there, clutched unused in his fist. The Namek had brought it moments ago before leaving without a word. Vegeta wondered if he knew the full extent of what had happened; probably, the Namek saw just about everything from that perch of his.

He brought his own hand up to his face and opened it slowly, studying the magic bean with a detached air. It would be so easy to just throw it away; to postpone Kakarot's awakening until he was ready to face the younger Saiyan's wrath. _Maybe never, _he thought, _maybe I'll never be ready._ He closed his fingers over the bean again, contemplating simply crushing it, destroying it. _What if he dies?_ His thoughts taunted, _What if he dies because you're too cowardly to give it to him?_

He shoved the thought down. _He won't die. He can't. Besides, the human doctors will heal him even if I do throw the wretched bean away._

Coward. That's what he was. A coward.

But how could he face Kakarot, knowing that his last subject's first act upon awakening would surely be to kill him? Or worse, ask him why he'd done what he'd done. He couldn't look into those wide, innocent eyes and tell him that he didn't know. He had no excuse, no explanation, for what he'd done.

And he definitely couldn't lie.

But the truth was just as senseless as lying. It would hurt just as much. Would Kakarot even believe him?

_You can't lie to him anyway, _his thoughts sneered, _He can see right through you._

Why not let him? Why not let him see the guilt, the hurt that crushed Vegeta so? Maybe then he'd understand.

_**~What if I let you in?  
What if I make it right?  
What if I give it up?  
What if I want to try?~**_

Hardening his resolve, Vegeta took a few steps until he was leaning over Kakarot's pale, lifeless form. He could see the individual serrations of ripped skin marring the younger man's lower lip where he himself had torn it with his teeth. He fought the desire to touch those soft lips with his own, one more time, before he lost Kakarot forever. _No._ he thought fiercely, _You don't have the right after what you've done._

He wondered, just one last thought before he faced his fate, if he had ever told Kakarot he loved him. Kakarot had, many times, used that word for Vegeta; but had he ever returned the favor? Had he ever told the other man what he meant to him? Did he himself even know what love really was? And if he _had_ told him, would things have played out differently?

_**~What if you take a chance?  
What if I learn to love?  
What if  
What if  
We start again?~**_

_Enough stalling,_ his thoughts commanded, _You've wasted enough time. Face him now._

Shaking, Vegeta gently placed two fingers on Kakarot's torn lower lip and pulled it down until the younger man's lips parted. He placed the senzu inside, between Kakarot's slightly sharpened Saiyan teeth, and pressed his last subject's jaw upward, closing his mouth on the medicine. The he stood back as Kakarot instinctively swallowed and his eyes fluttered open.

Vegeta braced himself.

"Vegeta," Kakarot breathed, his voice sounded hurt and lost. There was so much conflict in that one word that Vegeta winced, closing his eyes and breathing hard; praying for an end to his suffering. He _wanted_ Kakarot to kill him; to free him from his pain. _Kill me, please. Make amends for my heinous crime. _He begged silently.

_**~All this time  
I can make it right  
With one more try  
Can we start again?~**_

"Why?" Kakarot sat up slowly. Vegeta looked up at his soulful dark eyes. There was so much pain in that gaze, Vegeta wanted to protect Kakarot. From himself. But he couldn't. Not after what he'd done.

And of course Kakarot had to ask the _one_ word that Vegeta couldn't answer. Of _course_ he did.

"I-" Vegeta began. He couldn't finish. He didn't have anything to say. No excuses. No explanations. Nothing.

"Vegeta, h-how _could_ you?" Kakarot's voice broke midsentence and Vegeta stared. Kakarot was crying. Kakarot never cried. It just wasn't possible. The strongest man in the universe wasn't supposed to look so helpless. So friable.

"Kakarot, I-" Vegeta began again, he swallowed hard, "I'm s-sorry," And there were the tears, hot, stinging tears that fell unchecked from the prince's eyes. It was harder to cry in front of his last subject – his _victim_ – than by himself, where no one else could see. Maybe that was from the last, tattered remains of his pride. _You have no pride left,_ his thoughts growled; _You have nothing left to be proud of._

_**~In my eyes  
You can see it now  
Can we start again?  
Can we start again?~**_

"Y-you… you ra-" Kakarot stammered, still shaking with tears, "You r-"

Apparently Kakarot had just as hard a time as Vegeta at saying it. Somehow that alone was enough to dry Vegeta's tears as empty hopelessness set in. There was _no_ way Kakarot was going to let him live, let alone forgive him, which was impossible.

_**~Emptiness inside me  
Wonder if you see  
It's my mistake  
And it's hurting me~**_

"Kakarot, I have no excuse," How was Vegeta's voice so steady? He wondered how he could even speak at all, "You have every right to kill me. I won't stop you. I won't let myself hurt you again."

_Again._ Of course he had to add that. Remind Kakarot that he'd hurt him once, and thus needed to be stopped from doing it again. When had he become such a danger to Kakarot? The strongest man in the universe? By all rights, he shouldn't even have been _able_ to hurt him once.

But that didn't erase the fact that he _had._

Oh, if only he could go back in time like that brat from the future had all those years ago. If only he could undo his mistake.

_But that won't fix anything, remember?_ His thoughts taunted, _You can't change anything in this timeline, only start a new one._

Well then, he had to fix _this_ timeline; had to resolve his mistakes here and now.

_**~I've known where we've been  
How did we get so far?  
What if  
What if  
We start again?~**_

"Vegeta, I- I can't…" Kakarot sobbed, "I can't kill you,"

"Why?" Vegeta said monotonously, "I swear I won't stop you. Please, Kakarot. Just put me out of my misery…"

_**~I'm lost inside the pain  
I feel without you**_

_**I can't stop holding on~**_

"Because…" Kakarot whimpered, standing up.

Vegeta winced, bracing himself for Kakarot to hit him; to beat him into the ground as well as he deserved.

"…I… I'm still in love with you," Kakarot murmured, meeting Vegeta's gaze pitifully, "I need you with me."

_**~I need you with me  
I'm caught inside the pain  
Can we ever start again?  
I'm lost without you~**_

Vegeta stared, dumbstruck. How could Kakarot _possibly_ still love him after what he'd done? How could he _need_ him after all that?

Kakarot didn't look away for five whole seconds, then he averted his gaze, and Vegeta saw tears still lingering there.

"I need you to help me get through this," Kakarot continued, "I… Vegeta, _please_ don't hate me!"

Then the younger Saiyan threw himself at Vegeta, wrapping his arms around the prince's shoulders and burying his face in Vegeta's shirt, sobbing. Vegeta couldn't breathe. He'd expected to be _dead _by now, and yet here was Kakarot, crying on his shoulder, begging him not to hate him.

"Kakarot, if anything, _I_ should be begging_ you_ not to hate _me_," Vegeta said raggedly. Kakarot looked up at him, eyes still bright with tears. Vegeta felt a surge of hope despite himself. What if Kakarot really _did_ still love him?

_**~One more try**_

_**Can we start again?~**_

"I could never hate you, Vegeta," Kakarot whispered.

"But-" Vegeta protested, "I… I r-"

"I know," Kakarot sniffled, tightening his grip a little, hugging Vegeta closer, "But without you I have nobody… I _need_ you."

The answer was in the younger Saiyan's beautiful, dark eyes.

_**~In my eyes**_

_**Can you forgive me now?~**_

"How can you forgive me so easily?" Vegeta felt himself tip over the brink of despair, sorrow over what he'd done, and his victim's inability to blame him which was so touching, yet so disturbing. What did it take for Kakarot to hate? Could he? And why? Why couldn't he just lash out at Vegeta?

Kakarot swallowed weakly and nuzzled Vegeta's chest. Vegeta sighed, Kakarot really was just like a child…

_**~Can we start again?**_

_**Can we start again?~**_

…Which of course meant that Vegeta had to try twice as hard to protect him from the cruelty of the world. A child, no matter how strong, could get hurt in such a big universe.

_**~One more try**_

_**Can we start again? **_

_**Can we start again?~**_

"I'm sorry Vegeta," Now Kakarot was _apologizing_? For what? What could he possibly have done?

"You have nothing to be sorry for-" Vegeta began, hugging the younger Saiyan tightly against his chest.

"But…" Kakarot stammered something that sounded like "_my fault_".

Vegeta started to protest but Kakarot just shook his head.

"I could have…_should_ have stopped you," he insisted, "But I didn't want to make you mad," _Oh, gods_, Vegeta thought in shock, _How the hell can he blame himself? Kakarot, I'm so sorry…_

_**~Can you forgive me now?~**_

"Kakarot," Vegeta gulped, swallowing his disbelief, "You could never…_never_…make me mad, _ever._ I love you," Finally, he said it aloud, "And if I hurt you, I want you to _tell me_ so I don't do it again."

"Okay," Kakarot whispered.

_**~Can we start again?~**_

As the two Saiyans flew away from the hospital, hand in hand, Vegeta again marveled at still being alive. He turned to look at his lover; whose amazing ability to forgive had stunned Vegeta yet again, and drew him closer, stopping in midair to embrace him. Kakarot smiled shyly and captured his lips in a gentle kiss.

"I love you, Vegeta," he murmured, "No matter what you say or do; that won't ever change."

Vegeta smiled and kissed him back, reminding himself for the tenth time that day that no matter how strong Kakarot was on the outside, inside he was still a child.

And Vegeta was honored that Kakarot trusted him to protect him from himself.

_-Shinsun_


End file.
